


leaning on somebody's never easy

by biggayhighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Smut, Swearing, basically what i wish would have happened in the car lot, give us more ballum hugs @ ee or i will riot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23856865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggayhighway/pseuds/biggayhighway
Summary: "Do you want me to stay?"a.k.a. my fix-it fic for the iconic ballum moments celebration- namely the ex-sex scene that aired on 13/1/20
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 6
Kudos: 85





	leaning on somebody's never easy

**Author's Note:**

> title from Ben Platt's 'Temporary Love.'

"This'll all end in tears," Ben sighs. He somehow has the guts to look Callum dead in the eyes as he speaks, and it makes Callum's stomach turn. "And they won't be mine."

The air is thick with something akin to anticipation, but it's heavy, and empty, and cold. It feels like disappointment, like a space that was once filled with something but is now empty. It's quiet, and the world goes on outside, and people are still walking around the square and Jay will probably be back soon with the paperwork he'd forgotten, but in there, just the two of them, the world feels different. Ben is yet to figure out if it's good or bad. 

Callum stands up, and Ben focuses on turning away, not letting his eyes wander to Callum. He just needs to let Callum go, now he's learnt his lesson. Callum won't come running back anymore, and that's what Ben needs. If he has any chance of protecting Callum, he needs him as far away as possible. As much as it hurts them both, it's for their own good.

Callum doesn't grab his bag, doesn't open the door. Instead, his hand grabs at Ben's chin and pulls his face towards him so that he's forced to look him in the eyes.

All of Ben's walls come crashing down so suddenly and no matter how hard he tries he can't help it. Callum's grip is firm but so gentle. There had been a familiar underlying reluctance to all his moves a few moments ago, cautious that Ben might shove him away again. Ben could feel it.

Before all this, before the arguing, and the blood-stained shirts and the unrequited confessions of love, there was passion. Callum had learnt quickly what Ben liked, his hands were placed and moved with confidence, his lips and teeth had been firm and unabashed when they marked Ben's skin.

Now, their dingy hookup, it had all been shaking hands and minuscule delays in Callum's movements that Ben probably wouldn't have noticed if he wasn't entirely desperate for Callum to just  _ touch him _ . It had almost felt like that warm July night, both of them so open, so unashamed for just a moment. Callum's hands had been unsteady, knees weak at the first touch of skin against skin.

But this hand on his face is different. Callum isn't shaking anymore, and despite his soft grip, there's definitely a firmness to the way the pad of Callum's thumb presses into the side of Ben's chin.

"No. I ain't walking away from this, and I ain't walking away from  _ you _ ."

Ben is taken aback. He'd been waiting for that door to slam in his face because Callum has never really been the argumentative and confrontational type. Ben had been so sure that Callum would just accept it. That he'd finally realise that Ben just wasn't worth all the hassle, that he couldn't be bothered when there were plenty of other blokes out there that were better than Ben in every single way. That would be it, the end of whatever they had-  _ love _ , Ben's brain tells him- and Ben would mope around for a bit, drink himself to numbness in desperation, sob into his hands at the grief of the loss of the second man he'd ever thought he could love. He hadn't expected Callum to speak up.

"If you think I went through all of that- telling Whit instead of just keeping my mouth closed, persisting even after you thought you'd made it perfectly clear that you weren't interested- when you actually were. Giving you those second chances. If you think I stopped lying to myself, just to walk away when you tell me to, then you're wrong, 'cus I ain't."

Ben blinks slowly. His eyes flicker downward, Callum's hand still so warm on his face. He swallows.

His mind feels like it won't ever stop. It feels like he's drowning in his own thoughts and what-if's, his worries and responsibilities. But Callum's there. Callum's there, he's always there, and Ben wants to stop taking him for granted, knows he needs to if they're ever going to work out.

He's protecting Callum. He's protecting him because Callum absolutely cannot get tangled up in all this. Murder, and revenge and blood and smashed glass, and everything that Ben is used to, with Phil Mitchell as a father. Callum is gentle. Callum is kind and caring and understanding. Callum wants to join the police so he can help people. Callum wants to dedicate his life to looking after people he doesn't know, like a saint. But Ben fears all this would break him, and Callum does not deserve to be broken. Ben does, he tells himself that he deserves this pain because he's an awful person and an awful father and an awful boyfriend. An awful son.

His hand comes up to wrap around Callum's wrist. Ben looks away, and down at the floor. He tugs Callum's hand away but doesn't let go.

"I'm protecting you, Callum," he speaks sharply. His voice cracks a little, throat dry.

"From what, Ben? What are you protecting me from?"

Ben can't look at his face, because he knows that if he does, he'll just collapse. Callum deserves so much better than him. Ben needs to push him away just once more, and then Callum will get it, Callum will leave. Callum won't come back, he'll be safe. But Ben knows he can't do that without hurting Callum, and he doesn't want to hurt him either.

"You don't need to know," he snaps, grip on Callum's wrist tightening as if to say,  _ don't leave me, please. Just try a little harder, push a bit more and I'll crack. I promise. _ "You can't know, I can't tell you."

"Why not?" Callum asks. His voice is suddenly cold, emotionless. It helps Ben because suddenly it feels like the entire world hates him again, and it's easy to pretend that Callum Highway hasn't just told him that he loves him and that suddenly Ben needs to protect someone else. It feels like he's just talking to someone who doesn't care. He talks to a lot of people who don't give a damn about him.

"Because, Callum. You are  _ good _ . You are sweet and so loving and careful, and you know just what to say, all the fucking time. You do that stupid thing with your hands in my hair and you make me feel like I'm worth something. You are- you mean everything to me. If I tell you, if I bring you back into my shit-show of a life then I'm scared you'll run. You'll see how much of a mess it is, and you'll go."

Ben lets go of Callum's wrist. He stands up, and he pushes Callum out of his way as gently as he can, and he makes his way to his own desk, standing with his back to Callum as he plants his hands palm-down against the wood.

"Just- go, Callum." Gritted teeth. Fingers curling. Eyes screwed shut.

Ben doesn't mean for it to sound so much like a sob.

Now, he expects Callum to go. He waits for the shake of the floor as the door slams shut, the sound of footsteps as Callum just walks out of Ben's life, God knows he deserves to.

But there are hands. Giant hands that are so careful. They're always _ so careful _ . They're on his waist, but then they move to wrap around Ben's front, and then Callum presses up behind him. His chin digs into Ben's shoulder and it's so comforting,  _ grounding _ , almost.

"Ben." 

Ben shuts his eyes, and another set of tears wets his eyelashes and leaves weird blotchy streaks on his skin. He tries to ignore how he probably looks right now. Hair tousled and untidy, clothes creased from being tossed aside and tugged at with desperate hands. Face flushed and wet.

He does his best to clear his mind for just a moment, and he just pictures Callum, smiling, looking at him. He pictures their little breakfasts together, the mornings in bed, the warmth. All he thinks about is Callum and the fact that someone loves him for who he is. Somehow, Callum has managed to find the best bits of him and love him entirely. Ben cannot bring himself to understand why. Why, when he's just this messed up, insecure, scared guy who's seemingly destined to be alone, he has someone like Callum Highway to call his boyfriend. If he can even call him that. If he even deserves to.

Callum's fingers dip ever so slightly under the hem of Ben's untucked shirt, grazing so lightly. He gives Ben's waist a gentle squeeze.

"Do you want me to stay?"

Ben freezes.

Yes. One thousand times yes, he wants Callum to hold on to him and never let him go again. He wants Callum by his side all the time, he wants those hands everywhere and he wants those eyes to look at him like he hung the stars again. He wants Callum's beaming smile, and he wants to be the cause of it. He wants to sit and watch Callum help Lexi put together the Lego he bought her, and then he wants that same, soft voice speaking to him. 

All of a sudden nothing else matters. He can protect Callum still, and Callum can protect himself. He's never leaving Callum again, because  _ yeah, he loves him.  _ It's not worth it, Ben concludes. All this pain, both of them falling apart, it's not worth it because all Ben has to do is open up. So he does. 

Ben nods, biting into his lip, tears swelling up on his waterline. He feels ridiculous, but Callum is there. Callum is there, and he's turning Ben around and pulling him into his chest and Ben's hands spread across the small of Callum's back.

And it's okay. It's not perfect, and it might not ever be, because they both have their flaws, and their secrets and things they don't know how to say. But for now, the air is less heavy, and the love is already trickling back in. Ben just grabs Callum's jacket in his trembling hands and pulls him closer, leaning into the warmth that he's missed. 


End file.
